I really have no idea what I am doing anymore. I used to see things so clearly. Or, at least with some excitement in regards to the unknown. Now, I just look with my hand over my eyes in fear, peering at the future through fingers spaced slightly apart. I feel like I am waiting for the next awful scene to take place. Every single day, all I feel like I can do is find out the bad news on my own before I am surprised with it, so I can at least remain seated through the experience.
The unfairness of it all does not escape me. I was never a pessimist. I have remained ridiculously optimistic and shiny through a world of shit. But, there comes a time when you trap yourself in a situation that can be equally positive as it is negative. I feel like such a cliche, exactly the person I would have shook by the shoulders and asked "What are you THINKING?! NO good can come of this."
And so, I do nothing, except ask myself if more shit will rain and if it's worth it.
Funny, how my complete faith can be rescued by someone, and completely desecrated to the fullest extent by the same person.
I just don't understand people. I see this happen time and time again, and always to the people who deserve it the least. The people who care the most. I've even turned from the people who were capable of caring the most. We're all in a catch-22, chasing after something that always proves to hurt us the most. I can't even explain that. Those of us with the biggest hearts, always finding the biggest surprises in hurt and betrayal, but turning away from what won't hurt us. I suppose it's just a fear of being betrayed in a bigger way, being conditioned to expect it. A form of protection, perhaps. Sometimes, I wish free will would just go fuck itself.
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