I am somewhere in between my love and my agony.

I really have no idea what I am doing anymore. I used to see things so clearly. Or, at least with some excitement in regards to the unknown. Now, I just look with my hand over my eyes in fear, peering at the future through fingers spaced slightly apart. I feel like I am waiting for the next awful scene to take place. Every single day, all I feel like I can do is find out the bad news on my own before I am surprised with it, so I can at least remain seated through the experience.

The unfairness of it all does not escape me. I was never a pessimist. I have remained ridiculously optimistic and shiny through a world of shit. But, there comes a time when you trap yourself in a situation that can be equally positive as it is negative. I feel like such a cliche, exactly the person I would have shook by the shoulders and asked "What are you THINKING?! NO good can come of this."

And so, I do nothing, except ask myself if more shit will rain and if it's worth it.

Funny, how my complete faith can be rescued by someone, and completely desecrated to the fullest extent by the same person.

I just don't understand people. I see this happen time and time again, and always to the people who deserve it the least. The people who care the most. I've even turned from the people who were capable of caring the most. We're all in a catch-22, chasing after something that always proves to hurt us the most. I can't even explain that. Those of us with the biggest hearts, always finding the biggest surprises in hurt and betrayal, but turning away from what won't hurt us. I suppose it's just a fear of being betrayed in a bigger way, being conditioned to expect it. A form of protection, perhaps. Sometimes, I wish free will would just go fuck itself.

Whine flu madness!

Sick, so I got a bunch of movies. Check it:

House of 1000 Corpses

Devils Rejects

Houseparty 1, 2, 3, and 4

The Doors

Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood

Drive in Cult Classics v3 with 8 movies. Check it out sometime, some of them look preeeetty funny. I think I'm especially excited for The Pink Angels.

All for 50 bucks. Good deal!

Tyler didn't get much sleep last night, and I am sick as hell, so we passed out at 7pm and woke up at midnight. Watched House of 1000 Corpses, made some dinner. Then Tyler went back to sleep. He wanted to surprise me and make dinner for me before I got home from work, but I was already here since I came home early, and I was passed the f out when he got home. Apparently, I was laughing a lot in my sleep. Weird!

I feel terrible for missing all the shows and birthday celebrations tonight. I honestly intended to drag my sick ass out of bed, but when we woke up at midnight, it just wasn't going to happen. Now I'm attempting to kill it with rum.

Lisa has the swine flu, and it sounds like a few other friends might as well. My fever doesn't seem to be bad enough to think I have it, but I wasn't sure while I was at work. So, although I feel like total hell, I'm just glad I'm not as sick as the rest of you all. I hope everyone has a speedy recovery.

Everything has been great with Tyler's move. We unpacked all of his things and while I was working late, he cleaned some more and put up the remaining artwork we had left. We joked about having a rockstar bathroom, since we had some artwork of rockstars that needed to go up, and he actually did it. It looks awesome. Now, I just need to store and get rid of some more things, and we're set until we move again in February!

Attention to detail.

Operation: Ready Apartment For Tyler To Move In is well underway. I have completed phase one. Which is going through all of my closets and drawers to make space for him. I cannot believe the pile of things I am getting rid of.

I also got two more loads of laundry done, and packed all of my costumes for my meeting in LA aside from a few accessories. And then, there's the actual clothes I will have to bring.

My to do list feels pretty overwhelming right now. I'm hoping tomorrow, when I indulge myself in drinks after working a 7 day stretch, I will feel annoyed enough by my lack of proper internet connection to feel motivated enough to continue working on the list. The list that is left is as follows (not all of these are preparations for T, just things I need to do before I leave on Friday):

- Finish laundry

- Finish putting together costumes

- Finish packing for California

- Separate items to store, and items to give away.

- Bring items to parent's

- Clean out car

- Call Variations

- Clean living room

- Clean bathroom

- Clean dining room

- Clean kitchen

- Clean bedroom

- Visit Target Boutique

I went shopping today. Got myself a pair of cowboy boots, betsey watch/bracelet, and a betsey ring. It felt good.

Tyler and Bryan left Austin today. I was starting to get scared that he might get cold feet about moving back to MN and just stay in Austin. He never gave me any reason to have this fear, I'm just a natural worrier. I am VERY excited for all that is to come. Being apart was getting incredibly old.

What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly.

Today begins the heavy task of decluttering my apartment and making room for Tyler to move in. Not to mention the deep cleaning and laundry that is well overdue. So far, I feel pretty productive. I cleared out 3/4 of a closet and a shelf in the bathroom closet for him. He has a lot of shoes, I'm hoping I gave him enough space. Once Halloween is over, I will have more room, as I can store that box at the 'rents. You would think, with 4 closets and 2 dressers, I would have an easier time of this. However, I am a bit of a pack rat, and I always assume I might need something later.

I still have to figure out where I'm going to clear out enough stuff to give him a drawer. This will be a daunting task, and I'm not sure I'm feeling like downsizing tonight any more than I already have.

I also have about 4-5 loads of laundry left to do. 2 down! Then there's the cleaning, uggggh. Obviously, living alone and rarely having visitors has not done wonders for my cleaning habits. This is why I miss my Nicollet apartment. There was so much in the way of storage and cabinets, everything had a rightful place, and I never had any mess. Also, and this may sound strange, the time I saw a cockroach kept me on my toes about ensuring the place was as clean as humanly possible...if you factor in a pug who shed like crazy.

Get it, girl.

Still behind on the posts, I know.

We had a creeper come into my work today. He was talking all sorts of nonsense, and my throat/mouth have been killing me today (I chomped the SHIT out of the back of my tongue, making my tongue, mouth, throat, and ear hurt so much I can't talk very loud, as that requires more use of the tongue), so I had little patience to keep talking to this whack-job, so I turned around and walked away. As I was doing so, he yelled out, "AW, GET IT, GIRL! Rock out to Sublime!" What?!

I don't know, here's some Gary Busey creepin':

When the dog bites, when the bee stings.

These are a few of my favorite things:

Circuses:

Musicians:

Gypsies:

These three things are really not too different from one another. They all travel, they're all potentially entertainment, and they all have some serious stigma behind them. What does this say about me? All I know is, if Gogol Bordello added a circus to their show, Tyler would have some serious competition:

Do you really want to live forever?

I told myself I was going to post every single day, if possible. Unfortunately for anyone who reads this, I've fallen out of blogging mode, meaning I don't remember the small things during the day that may be interesting to read about. So for today, you get a sweet picture:

So they all got on a very large boat and went back to England.

"Skeet" as told by urban dictionary:

"Skeet" is actually a form of birth control practiced by the African-American tribes of North America near the beginning of the 21st Centruy. Visionaries of the time (such as Lil Jon and Nelly) recognized the inevitable and everpresent danger of overpopulation in their land and decided to take action. They discovered an ancient form of birth control used by their ancestors that involved "pulling out and shooting" (much like skeet shooting) during sexual intercourse, as to not impregnate the female, or "biatch". The visionaries spread the word the only way they knew how: rap music. People would listen to the songs of the visionaries during ritual smoking ceremonies and chant "skeet skeet skeet!". Every tribe of their kind in the land listened to rap music and the idea of skeeting quickly gained in popularity. Soon, the entire African-American tribe had done its part to offset the effects of overpopulation through generations of skeeting on the women that they did not wish to impregnate. "

Aw, Lil Jon and Nelly's ancestors are the members of 2 Live Crew.* I must say, though, they haven't done well at the art of "skeeting", as they are both fathers. I wonder how the members of 2 Live Crew are faring in their quest for fruitless, protectionless, sexual encounters over the past decade. Fare thee well on your noble quest, good sirs. Don't forget the antibiotics!

*2 Live Crew: Shake a Lil' Somethin' (1996)

"Skeet them jaws, skeet them draws

Pull it out and skeet the walls "

Attitude! You've got some fucking attitude!

I have no idea what my issue is, but I've been working with a short fuse the past two days. I feel like a body of water that is expanding and contracting, ready to overflow at any moment with intense angry fuckery. At the moment, I am merely irritable, but something is definitely bubbling at the surface. Which, overall, is pretty strange. There is absolutely nothing going on, or nothing that has happened that warrants this sort of feeling. My experiences with people have been pleasant, with the exception of a few mildly annoying scenarios, but that's completely the norm when you work retail, I never have a problem shrugging those off my shoulder.

Poor Tyler had to bear a little bit of the brunt of it the other night, when he called me and woke me up, singing a song to me at 3am. But, at least I explained to him it wasn't him I was annoyed with, I was just a crabby pants in general and it wasn't his fault. But sometimes, when you're inebriated, it's hard not to take someone else's moodiness personally. He seemed to get over it quickly, although his demands for me to "stop being crabby" the past two days are futile. However, I have ceased to take my crabbiness out on him since that first night.

I have stopped using my regular sleep aids and have gone back to nyquil, which is less effective and less calming, so this could be the culprit, as the quality and amount of sleep I have been getting has been dramatically cut down. I should probably go see my doctor soon.

If I still got a period, I would think I was PMSing. But I don't. However, I am due for another depo shot, so maybe that is it. I've never had this before when I have been due for a shot, so it's highly unlikely this is the case. I'm going to assume that it is merely due to the massive amounts of change coming up, and my inability to control any of it just yet because nothing is set in stone. I am anxious to put all of the little pieces of my life into place, and have some serious concerns that it won't fall together as easily as I need it to. I'm also overdue for some Tyler time. This upcoming visit is going to entail a lot of practicality and will potentially get me to Austin quicker that I had originally anticipated. I'm stressing big time about this weekend, but I am also excited. I guess this is probably the root of my irritability. My emotions are pulling themselves in two different directions.

That, or I just need a real night's rest.

See? This is why I write blogs. Thinking in text helps me sort through the clutter that encompasses my brain and figure out what is going on. Well, that, and sometimes, you just have to make a record of the crazy that is your life. I wish everyone I knew wrote blogs. Or, at least more people I knew.

I am currently waiting for Harry Potter 6 to load so I can watch it, since it has become blatantly obvious I am not going to make it to the theaters to see it anytime soon. Time to rehydrate and wash my face.

Sometimes, too much to drink isn't enough.

Holy crap, I feel like hell. The Captain and I tangoed like it was our last date together last night.

I am SUCH a failure at updating this blog. I used to be so good at updating regularly, when my blog was connected to a social networking site! I am shaking my fist at all of you who abandoned Myspace and turned it into a relic.

I get cravings like I'm a pregnant lady when I'm hungover. Usually, the craving is for seafood. Today is no different. I want a spider roll so bad, I am ALMOST willing to get out of bed to go get one. But just ALMOST. Actually, now that I think about it, I would probably actually rather have some crab legs and lobster mashed potatoes. I would love to make a trip to Red Lobster soon. Tomorrow, after work, I think I'll go to Crave and get some sushi.

There are so many movies I've failed at going to see. I think, perhaps, I will go see at least one of them after work tomorrow, depending on how tired I am.

The State Fair is in full effect right now! I really want to go on Wednesday, since it's my day off. I would have gone today, but I refused to go the first week it was open, because it is a ZOO the first week.

I've been watching The History Channel's The Universe lately. Space couldn't possibly get any more interesting.

Now, I am going to go satisfy my food cravings.

You're just another one of my mistakes.

Sorry for the absence of updates. It's hard to remind myself to visit a secondary website from my usuals. I will try harder, I promise.

This has been an interesting week.

Yesterday, I worked with a majority of the cast of Glee for a signing. It went well, they were very nice. I find actors tend to associate with other people very differently than the majority does. They are VERY nice. Normally, I find this a positive trait. It IS positive, but I get the feeling they don't really mean it. However, these were teenage actors, which is mostly what I am accustomed to. I have to say, I don't think they know how to project their true feelings, and I sometimes wonder if they really even have them. Or if they've been conditioned to behave and treat strangers a specific way, which negates, and perhaps, stifles, their own true feelings or behaviors. This is probably why child actors go crazy. I detect nothing more than a hollow shiny persona, which, frankly, scares me a little. It's a bit like sociopaths in training, don't you think? I think the child actor has a few differences, but some of the characteristics are spot on. Let's dissect a little, shall we?

Let me preface this by saying, this is purely what I assume of child actors, probably in relation to the massive amounts of E! True Hollywood Story and child actor biographies I've watched and read and has nothing to do with the actual encounters I have had, it is a complete tangent to what I was saying before, I have had zero negative encounters with any actors whatsoever.

Here are some of the descriptions of behaviors of your common sociopath with my two cents added in RED:

- Glibness and Superficial Charm.

Check.

- Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

I'm inclined to agree.

- Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

Check.

- Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Well, this is kind of their job, isn't it?

- Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

I'm guessing this is what it takes, in some actor's eyes, to get to the top.

- Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Check.

- Incapacity for Love

I'm going to guess actors suffer from the same insecurities most rockstars do, which is what explains the quest for fame. Most have difficulty loving, but all of them want to be loved...to an absurd degree.

- Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

Well, I guess this one doesn't exactly fit. Because the surrounding people of said famous person want to touch fame so badly, they wouldn't dare have the strength of self to tell someone famous or potentially reaching fame that they are behaving in a self detrimental manner. They are a bunch of pussies who have no moral standard, and should go fuck themselves. They are potentially more to blame than the actor's themselves.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

I guess this doesn't fit, either. Since, typically, child actors don't have traditional "victims".

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

Same, to an extent. However, the all-powerful, all-knowing part and on probably ring true.

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

I don't think I even need to expound on this one.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Same.

Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

This one is a person by person basis, just like the rest of the population. I'm not sure the statistics differ much with child actors as it does any other community.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

This.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

Uh. THIS THIS THIS. Read: every single famous person who grew up with fame and has been in legal trouble.

That's enough about child actors.

Today, I looked at a reception site with Lisa for her upcoming wedding. I'm not going to lie, we weren't impressed. I also think that wedding receptions are ridiculous expensive.

Today, I also came into some things that will potentially get me into Austin soon. YES.

Okay, that is all for now.

The magic bottle.

"I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
My heavy heart sinks deep down under you
And your twisted words, your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry
Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am."

I hope life experience doesn't continue to ground me.

Same old story: Not much to say. Hearts are broken every day.

Dostoevsky's The Possessed:

"The elites of the provincial community initially find the radicals fashionable and charming..."

The censored chapter: "Stavrogin's confession of having molested a 10 year old girl, causing the girl to commit suicide. The chapter gives insight into the reason that Stavrogin later hangs himself, out of apparent sociopathic apathy towards his own life. Stavrogin is depicted as the embodiment of nihilism, being apathetic, lacking empathy, devoid of emotion."

Really? Apathy? I cannot fathom that sort of emotion in relation to these deeds. I get that this was a sociopathic apathy, but even so, there must be some sort of feeling towards his actions. Dostoevsky wrote this book on the basis of his theory of human political reality. The reality of power. This kind of power is unjust and irrational. Which is why Nietzsche remains my constant, his perspective was that he treated religion as tyrannical and as the basis for mankind's suffering. In this time, how couldn't you agree? Look at the suffering of this ten year old girl.

Another's impression is as such:

"Here Dostovesky's analysis is not to deal or honestly reflect the human condition (as in his other "existentialist" novels) but rather to portray the reality of power, mankind's desire to manifest its will and obtain power. Dostoevsky defines evil here as the passion for power and control, showing that reason and logic are a ruse to justify rebellion against existence."

How can you wrestle with faith and doubt without ever being able to separate the two? I wish I could succeed in the way both "Nietzsche and Dostoevsky fail in varying degrees to give a concrete goal to man".

Every single day, I remember, or hear of ways, man has failed to reach a goal I feel should be concrete and part of every day morality. And every single day, I wonder how this can be. I am not religious. I am not perfect. However, I have a moral standard that not everyone can understand, that other people don't abide by. Is it that difficult? Don't knowingly do things that hurt another human being. That's all. Obviously, there are standards that apply professionally, but this is not what I am talking about. Is it too much to ask that when you make a decision, you make one that doesn't knowingly hurt someone else? I don't care if you know them or not, I don't care the situation, no one deserves to be hurt intentionally if they've never hurt you. I won't even get into the treatment of children.

Morality is at stake here, and I feel as if I'm a lone soldier waving a flag. I honestly have little shame. Little fear about what people think of me, but I will say, I would NEVER intentionally or knowingly hurt someone, and I feel sorry for anyone who can, or does. Even if it does get them ahead, or allows them to achieve their shallow goals. In the long run, I know that I, and many others, stood fast in what they believed in, what they loved, and that means more than your shallow victory ever will.

Memes.

The good times are killing me.

When he leaves, it's hard to have a pretense of being happy. I hung out with friends, I had fun. But it wasn't the kind of contentment I had all week long with Tyler here. I hate being long distance. Part of me doesn't understand the logistics of it all. What can be accomplished there that can't be accomplished here. Especially when it's becoming such a struggle to get down there.

Bored and alone.

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

This is me procrastinating. I should be cleaning my apartment to make it more inviting for my guest, but I don't really feel like it. I half cleaned, started some laundry, and bathed Winston. At some point tonight, I'll finish the rest. All I really have left to do is the floors. Which, I loathe doing.

This week is going to be so much fun. Tyler flies in tomorrow morning. We were supposed to go to a pool party, but it got cancelled. So, now I'm not really sure what we'll be up to tomorrow. Aside from going to Sprint so he can switch to a more functioning cell phone. I will be so glad when that happens.

If we can finagle some way to get into warped for free, maybe we will go.

Alright, I suppose I should get on with it.

we gonna sip bacardi like it's yo birthday

I am anxious to go out and celebrate my day of bizirrth. I'm also hungry for some crabby legs. Winston is acting a little bummed, I think he's jealous he doesn't get to go out. Poor puppy.

I am wearing a big poofy black princess dress. When I bought it, the cashier asked if I was a ballet dancer. haha. I am going to be well overdressed for Red Lobster, but if I want to be knee deep in crab legs in a quasi formal dress, so be it. It's my fucking birthday.

Facebook has inadvertently invited my parents to the occasion, so this will be the first time a lot of my friends have met them, it should be fun! I wish my sister was going to dinner as well though, I'd feel bad not focusing fully on the rents, and it would help if she could be there to chat with them, too. Especially because most of my friends won't be able to communicate with them. Oh well! It should be kinda cool, too.

After dinner, I think I want to try and get some people to go downtown to Grumpy's for karaoke. That should be ridiculous, and I love ridiculousness, as most of you should know.

Tyler and Lisa have both called me and sang "Happy Birthday" to me. My dad sang it via facebook. I love it!

If I don't go to Grumpys, I hope I can find something else fun to do!

time was in a vacuum and i wanted to be free. and now my adolescence has all but bled in me.

Tonight was a funny night. I started off by having a couple of drinks, just planning to fall asleep early.

Then, it was midnight, and my birthday came around.

A little while later, I got a text message:

"WHERE ARE YOU?!"

I immediately starting racking my brain for events that may be happening that I had forgotten about. I couldn't think of anything, so my response was, "At home."

"We're at cub foods! On our bikes, only buzzed"

Okay, I definitely didn't have plans to grocery shop at 3am.

"You guys need a pit stop?"

"YES, preheat your oven to 400 degrees!"

Done and done.

Erik and Naythan came over, and had the most ridiculous pizza I had ever seen. Then they put chicken jalapeno nuggets on top of it. They ate it, had a drink, and passed out on my floor and klik klak. Not before making me put on golden girls and my own little campsite in the living room.

Now I'm awake and bored, still waiting for a happy birthday call. I actually haven't gotten any yet. I'm a little bummed about it.

I kind of want to take a picture of my sleeping friends, maybe even a sound clip of their snores resounding over the golden girls monologue.

Macros PART TWO!