I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black.

If you were looking at 3-4 weeks of eye twitching/spasms, 1+ week of constant headaches, and a day of hallucinations/visual mixups, would you seek medical assistance?

Let me start by saying, the hallucinations aren't as bad as you may be thinking. I had a night where within seconds of falling asleep, I was in a dream/awake state where I was hearing a loud, sucking noise coming from my hallway, and could feel myself being pulled into the noise, causing me to make myself wake up out of fear, pretty much every ten minutes for about 4 hours, but I couldn't help but keep falling asleep, and continuing the process, as I was very tired, and had to be up in a few hours. The other occasion was the next day, when I was driving. I thought I saw a car swerve into my lane in front of me, so I swerved to get out of the way. But, it didn't really happen, as Tyler was in the car and assured me as such. It hasn't happened since. I don't even know if these are truly hallucinations, as the sleep thing could just be chalked up to my fucked up sleep habits, and the car swerving could have been my eye twitching, making it appear as if the car swerved. Although, I haven't noticed anything else move unexpectedly in 3 and a half weeks of eye twitching..I don't know.

I just feel like a nutjob going to the doctor for eye twitches. But then again, my mom told me I was imagining things once when I told her my body was moving by itself, and it turned out it was, as a reaction to an anti-vomit medication, and I was practically a cripple by the time we reached the hospital.

I made the mistake of searching online for possible causes, which I ALWAYS do when I don't recognize a symptom, but I've been plagued with eye twitching a lot lately, just not this long, and I wanted to research it to make sure I wasn't crazy before going to a doctor.

Immediately after searching it, the easy solutions were sleep, stress reducing, vitamins. So, I slept 14 hours, assessed my stress situation, drank a bunch of v8. No relief.

Maybe I'm stressed, but I don't feel like I'm under more stress than I have dealt with in the past.

I've been massaging my eye. No relief.

I sincerely feel like I am going crazy.

Don't make frowns, you silly clown.

My self awareness has been hiding. I'm lucky to have a chance for it's revival without having to run away from anything. I was getting close, and I'm sure I wasn't the only one.

I was angry, crying, hiding, for no real purpose. Just out of principal. I did not take a single moment to look at myself and figure it out in relation to who I am. What I know. What I believe. Black and white. I was fighting blindly without perspective. Without perspective, we are all lost. I am better than this. I did not give myself a single moment to breathe and understand. Now, I can see (with a little push) I was more than likely suffocating everyone else around me as well.

I don't mean to say my grievances aren't valid, but to grasp tightly without any true perspective towards what you are holding onto and why, is like grasping at straws. Futile. I didn't give myself a moment to swallow the reality I was facing, and instead found myself jabbing, making excuses, and putting up defenses. Facing myself towards a path to nowhere.

I've spent a lot of time recently defending others. Crucifying others. Contemplating worthiness. Understanding reactions. Deciphering drunken mayhem. Judging. Being judged. Placating. Placating others. Policing. This is not me. This is a person who forgot to remember their morals, a person whose views have been shaken up, a person who forgot empathy, a person who forgot themselves. I have become a person who has gotten hung up on complaints.

Life will never be perfect. No one will ever be perfect. It's very easy to see what was wrong, what annoys you today. Why is it so hard to pay the same homage to what is good, what makes you smile today? I mentioned before how I always saw the positivity in a world full of shit. I'm looking at a a lot of things I've said and posted. I'm thinking about my past few months of living with Tyler. I have more happy moments over the past few months than I had over the past year, and I cannot believe my neglect to make notice of any of it. Just because it's more commonplace, I shouldn't take notice? I'm living with a man I've loved more than anyone. Nearly every single day, he makes me smile multiple times, but all I have focused on is our rocky and undefined past before he moved back.

I do not mean to belittle the hard times. Yes, we have our share. But that shouldn't discredit any of the good times, either.

Social experiments were so much easier when I didn't care. Each and every life experience does chalk itself up to be just that, a social experiment. None of us have all of the answers. There will never be just black and white. All I can do is hope that while living my life, my experiment goes well, and I end up living the life I deserve, instead of one I need to constantly dissect. One that can just be lived. Regardless of my situation, however, I am still eager to learn, and am not ready for something too commonplace. Someday soon, though, even if just for a moment, easy will suffice.