Sometimes, too much to drink isn't enough.

Holy crap, I feel like hell. The Captain and I tangoed like it was our last date together last night.

I am SUCH a failure at updating this blog. I used to be so good at updating regularly, when my blog was connected to a social networking site! I am shaking my fist at all of you who abandoned Myspace and turned it into a relic.

I get cravings like I'm a pregnant lady when I'm hungover. Usually, the craving is for seafood. Today is no different. I want a spider roll so bad, I am ALMOST willing to get out of bed to go get one. But just ALMOST. Actually, now that I think about it, I would probably actually rather have some crab legs and lobster mashed potatoes. I would love to make a trip to Red Lobster soon. Tomorrow, after work, I think I'll go to Crave and get some sushi.

There are so many movies I've failed at going to see. I think, perhaps, I will go see at least one of them after work tomorrow, depending on how tired I am.

The State Fair is in full effect right now! I really want to go on Wednesday, since it's my day off. I would have gone today, but I refused to go the first week it was open, because it is a ZOO the first week.

I've been watching The History Channel's The Universe lately. Space couldn't possibly get any more interesting.

Now, I am going to go satisfy my food cravings.

You're just another one of my mistakes.

Sorry for the absence of updates. It's hard to remind myself to visit a secondary website from my usuals. I will try harder, I promise.

This has been an interesting week.

Yesterday, I worked with a majority of the cast of Glee for a signing. It went well, they were very nice. I find actors tend to associate with other people very differently than the majority does. They are VERY nice. Normally, I find this a positive trait. It IS positive, but I get the feeling they don't really mean it. However, these were teenage actors, which is mostly what I am accustomed to. I have to say, I don't think they know how to project their true feelings, and I sometimes wonder if they really even have them. Or if they've been conditioned to behave and treat strangers a specific way, which negates, and perhaps, stifles, their own true feelings or behaviors. This is probably why child actors go crazy. I detect nothing more than a hollow shiny persona, which, frankly, scares me a little. It's a bit like sociopaths in training, don't you think? I think the child actor has a few differences, but some of the characteristics are spot on. Let's dissect a little, shall we?

Let me preface this by saying, this is purely what I assume of child actors, probably in relation to the massive amounts of E! True Hollywood Story and child actor biographies I've watched and read and has nothing to do with the actual encounters I have had, it is a complete tangent to what I was saying before, I have had zero negative encounters with any actors whatsoever.

Here are some of the descriptions of behaviors of your common sociopath with my two cents added in RED:

- Glibness and Superficial Charm.

Check.

- Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

I'm inclined to agree.

- Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

Check.

- Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Well, this is kind of their job, isn't it?

- Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

I'm guessing this is what it takes, in some actor's eyes, to get to the top.

- Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Check.

- Incapacity for Love

I'm going to guess actors suffer from the same insecurities most rockstars do, which is what explains the quest for fame. Most have difficulty loving, but all of them want to be loved...to an absurd degree.

- Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

Well, I guess this one doesn't exactly fit. Because the surrounding people of said famous person want to touch fame so badly, they wouldn't dare have the strength of self to tell someone famous or potentially reaching fame that they are behaving in a self detrimental manner. They are a bunch of pussies who have no moral standard, and should go fuck themselves. They are potentially more to blame than the actor's themselves.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

I guess this doesn't fit, either. Since, typically, child actors don't have traditional "victims".

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

Same, to an extent. However, the all-powerful, all-knowing part and on probably ring true.

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

I don't think I even need to expound on this one.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Same.

Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

This one is a person by person basis, just like the rest of the population. I'm not sure the statistics differ much with child actors as it does any other community.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

This.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

Uh. THIS THIS THIS. Read: every single famous person who grew up with fame and has been in legal trouble.

That's enough about child actors.

Today, I looked at a reception site with Lisa for her upcoming wedding. I'm not going to lie, we weren't impressed. I also think that wedding receptions are ridiculous expensive.

Today, I also came into some things that will potentially get me into Austin soon. YES.

Okay, that is all for now.

The magic bottle.

"I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
My heavy heart sinks deep down under you
And your twisted words, your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry
Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am."

I hope life experience doesn't continue to ground me.

Same old story: Not much to say. Hearts are broken every day.

Dostoevsky's The Possessed:

"The elites of the provincial community initially find the radicals fashionable and charming..."

The censored chapter: "Stavrogin's confession of having molested a 10 year old girl, causing the girl to commit suicide. The chapter gives insight into the reason that Stavrogin later hangs himself, out of apparent sociopathic apathy towards his own life. Stavrogin is depicted as the embodiment of nihilism, being apathetic, lacking empathy, devoid of emotion."

Really? Apathy? I cannot fathom that sort of emotion in relation to these deeds. I get that this was a sociopathic apathy, but even so, there must be some sort of feeling towards his actions. Dostoevsky wrote this book on the basis of his theory of human political reality. The reality of power. This kind of power is unjust and irrational. Which is why Nietzsche remains my constant, his perspective was that he treated religion as tyrannical and as the basis for mankind's suffering. In this time, how couldn't you agree? Look at the suffering of this ten year old girl.

Another's impression is as such:

"Here Dostovesky's analysis is not to deal or honestly reflect the human condition (as in his other "existentialist" novels) but rather to portray the reality of power, mankind's desire to manifest its will and obtain power. Dostoevsky defines evil here as the passion for power and control, showing that reason and logic are a ruse to justify rebellion against existence."

How can you wrestle with faith and doubt without ever being able to separate the two? I wish I could succeed in the way both "Nietzsche and Dostoevsky fail in varying degrees to give a concrete goal to man".

Every single day, I remember, or hear of ways, man has failed to reach a goal I feel should be concrete and part of every day morality. And every single day, I wonder how this can be. I am not religious. I am not perfect. However, I have a moral standard that not everyone can understand, that other people don't abide by. Is it that difficult? Don't knowingly do things that hurt another human being. That's all. Obviously, there are standards that apply professionally, but this is not what I am talking about. Is it too much to ask that when you make a decision, you make one that doesn't knowingly hurt someone else? I don't care if you know them or not, I don't care the situation, no one deserves to be hurt intentionally if they've never hurt you. I won't even get into the treatment of children.

Morality is at stake here, and I feel as if I'm a lone soldier waving a flag. I honestly have little shame. Little fear about what people think of me, but I will say, I would NEVER intentionally or knowingly hurt someone, and I feel sorry for anyone who can, or does. Even if it does get them ahead, or allows them to achieve their shallow goals. In the long run, I know that I, and many others, stood fast in what they believed in, what they loved, and that means more than your shallow victory ever will.

Memes.

The good times are killing me.

When he leaves, it's hard to have a pretense of being happy. I hung out with friends, I had fun. But it wasn't the kind of contentment I had all week long with Tyler here. I hate being long distance. Part of me doesn't understand the logistics of it all. What can be accomplished there that can't be accomplished here. Especially when it's becoming such a struggle to get down there.

Bored and alone.

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

This is me procrastinating. I should be cleaning my apartment to make it more inviting for my guest, but I don't really feel like it. I half cleaned, started some laundry, and bathed Winston. At some point tonight, I'll finish the rest. All I really have left to do is the floors. Which, I loathe doing.

This week is going to be so much fun. Tyler flies in tomorrow morning. We were supposed to go to a pool party, but it got cancelled. So, now I'm not really sure what we'll be up to tomorrow. Aside from going to Sprint so he can switch to a more functioning cell phone. I will be so glad when that happens.

If we can finagle some way to get into warped for free, maybe we will go.

Alright, I suppose I should get on with it.