we gonna sip bacardi like it's yo birthday

I am anxious to go out and celebrate my day of bizirrth. I'm also hungry for some crabby legs. Winston is acting a little bummed, I think he's jealous he doesn't get to go out. Poor puppy.

I am wearing a big poofy black princess dress. When I bought it, the cashier asked if I was a ballet dancer. haha. I am going to be well overdressed for Red Lobster, but if I want to be knee deep in crab legs in a quasi formal dress, so be it. It's my fucking birthday.

Facebook has inadvertently invited my parents to the occasion, so this will be the first time a lot of my friends have met them, it should be fun! I wish my sister was going to dinner as well though, I'd feel bad not focusing fully on the rents, and it would help if she could be there to chat with them, too. Especially because most of my friends won't be able to communicate with them. Oh well! It should be kinda cool, too.

After dinner, I think I want to try and get some people to go downtown to Grumpy's for karaoke. That should be ridiculous, and I love ridiculousness, as most of you should know.

Tyler and Lisa have both called me and sang "Happy Birthday" to me. My dad sang it via facebook. I love it!

If I don't go to Grumpys, I hope I can find something else fun to do!

time was in a vacuum and i wanted to be free. and now my adolescence has all but bled in me.

Tonight was a funny night. I started off by having a couple of drinks, just planning to fall asleep early.

Then, it was midnight, and my birthday came around.

A little while later, I got a text message:

"WHERE ARE YOU?!"

I immediately starting racking my brain for events that may be happening that I had forgotten about. I couldn't think of anything, so my response was, "At home."

"We're at cub foods! On our bikes, only buzzed"

Okay, I definitely didn't have plans to grocery shop at 3am.

"You guys need a pit stop?"

"YES, preheat your oven to 400 degrees!"

Done and done.

Erik and Naythan came over, and had the most ridiculous pizza I had ever seen. Then they put chicken jalapeno nuggets on top of it. They ate it, had a drink, and passed out on my floor and klik klak. Not before making me put on golden girls and my own little campsite in the living room.

Now I'm awake and bored, still waiting for a happy birthday call. I actually haven't gotten any yet. I'm a little bummed about it.

I kind of want to take a picture of my sleeping friends, maybe even a sound clip of their snores resounding over the golden girls monologue.

Macros PART TWO!

LONG OVERDUE MACROS POST. (part one)

However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.

I am feeling incredibly blase today. Perhaps it's because I had a great Friday and Saturday, and now I'm back to the norm. It's really strange how I just do not care about anything else when Tyler is around, but then he leaves and life is boring and lame again. Especially because he's on tour, so I rarely get to talk to him. Not to mention, I don't know where we stand, really. I wish it was more clear, but at the same time, it's a lot less stressful without expectations. It's weird how everything can change in a relationship at the turn of a dime. 3 weeks ago I was planning to move to Austin, we had a life plan, and now we don't even know what we're doing.

All of us failed to match our dreams of perfection. So I rate us on the basis of our splendid failure to do the impossible.

Tyler left today. I had SO much fun over the past two days. It was very hectic. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure where him and I stand, but he'll be back in a week, so I'm sure things can be clarified then. I kind of like it as it stands, there's a lot less stress involved, but man, I do love that kid.

The first night they were here, they played at the Triple Rock. Tyler had to go load in so I got to spend some time with Aryn, who hasn't been back to Mpls in years! That guy is very near and dear to me, I'm so glad the two bands were touring together. The next day I was feeling pretty rough, but somehow I made it to the Bearded Lady, which was TONS of fun. We found a record shop that just opened, and it was AMAZING and CHEAP. We're gonna go back next week. After the show, we went to Cat's house for a minute and then the double deuce, which I have never been to. We went back to my house afterwards and my side starting hurting like crazy. I was pretty inebriated, so I thought I was going to die for sure. But alas, I did not die! Huzzah!

I definitely do not feel good today, though.

Make me believe

I'm not alone.

Boredom's not a burden anyone should bear.

How can it mean anything to me
If I really dont feel anything at all?

And even when they caught her breath, her words would leave a scar. "For only in the grip of darkness will we shine amidst the brightest stars."

"I never know how to treat you.

You say "I love you", but it ain't true.

I'm walking away now.

One step forward, and back two."

"Love is or it ain't. Thin love ain't love at all."

"The only cure for grief is action."

Thankfully, I remembered Lisa's wifi Minneapolis password, or I would have to go down to the laundry room to fix my apartment complexes wifi box AGAIN.

It's strange how alcohol can intensify your emotions. I hate feeling like I'm going to potentially spend another year, or multiple years, as I tend to do, alone. The last year I was single wasn't so bad, especially when I denounced any sort of shame. However, it wasn't as fulfilling as the last 8 months being with someone I cared strongly about. The problem I have is finding someone I care to spend my time with at the right time. I say that because, it's not as if I haven't met great people, the timing was just wrong.

He started talking about pros and cons today. Also asked me how I felt and what I was thinking about it. I didn't know I had a choice. As far as I knew, my choice was to pick up and move on. However, it will be a cold fucking day in hell if you think I'm just going to sit idly by and wait for you to decide you made a mistake.

Ugh, Sam quoted it right with Whitesnake. haha Such cliches, but the breakup wasn't tumultuous enough to quote Frankee's rebuttal to Eamon's "Fuck it".

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.

Today marks day number 2 of the single life, once again. My ex and I broke up for the second time. This time around though, it was mutual destruction that led to our demise, other than just his own. I have been stressed because of work, because of my dog, Winston, being mauled, because of my apartment situation, and although these things shouldn't factor into my relationship, the stress was consuming me and I found myself overreacting towards his actions, in situations that were sometimes out of his control, many times. Which led to his fear of telling me the truth, which eventually led to our breakup. Mostly because the one thing I respect in people the most is their honesty. If I can't get that out of my significant other, than they have no business being with me, as I would never respect them. Although, I might add, the things I was lied to about were things I never would have been angry about. So, the lying was actually the only thing that upset me about the situations we had conflicts about.

I'm feeling very conflicted. In one respect, I feel a sense of relief. Like I have let go of my former stresses. But in the other, I feel deeply saddened because of my loss. I really do love him, but maybe he is just too young and has too many pieces to put into place to withstand some of my own imbalances. I have no idea at this point. It's all very confusing, as relationships are. This is probably why I avoided them for so long.

The rain to the wind said,

'You push and I'll pelt.'

They so smote the garden bed

That the flowers actually knelt,

And lay lodged--though not dead.

I know how the flowers felt.

Robert Frost

One day, this dirty stool pigeon will fly.

My eyes, they do see. I don't breathe the way I used to. My lips, they don't sing. I won't be the way I was on that night. The night everbody agreed I was wrong about you, I told them you were being so strong. I knew you were a liar. I knew you were a liar from the start. Don't treat me like I'm playing a game, cause baby, I don't want to lose. Baby, I don't want to risk it all for you.

Deviate by all means in name, cause we all crawl in quicksand the same.

Blog #1. I chose to create an account with blogspot, because I have grown weary of myspace's blog editor. Particularly tonight, when the editor refused to show me the text I was typing. For reference to my past blogs and to get to know me better, go to myspace.com/maemary

I try to bare all in my other blogs, but have felt a need to protect those around me. So vagueness has played a huge part in my writing. I'd like to try to be as uncensored as possible in this blog. I'll try to treat this as more of a diary than an online publication. A forewarning: if you know me, and I post something about you, sorry, but them's the breaks. For anyone reading, If you want to comment on my blog and I'm not specifically asking for advice, I'd probably not prefer to hear it.

However, I am bound to certain privacy rules when it comes to work, so you still won't hear me say much other than positive things in relation to my job.