Don't make frowns, you silly clown.

My self awareness has been hiding. I'm lucky to have a chance for it's revival without having to run away from anything. I was getting close, and I'm sure I wasn't the only one.

I was angry, crying, hiding, for no real purpose. Just out of principal. I did not take a single moment to look at myself and figure it out in relation to who I am. What I know. What I believe. Black and white. I was fighting blindly without perspective. Without perspective, we are all lost. I am better than this. I did not give myself a single moment to breathe and understand. Now, I can see (with a little push) I was more than likely suffocating everyone else around me as well.

I don't mean to say my grievances aren't valid, but to grasp tightly without any true perspective towards what you are holding onto and why, is like grasping at straws. Futile. I didn't give myself a moment to swallow the reality I was facing, and instead found myself jabbing, making excuses, and putting up defenses. Facing myself towards a path to nowhere.

I've spent a lot of time recently defending others. Crucifying others. Contemplating worthiness. Understanding reactions. Deciphering drunken mayhem. Judging. Being judged. Placating. Placating others. Policing. This is not me. This is a person who forgot to remember their morals, a person whose views have been shaken up, a person who forgot empathy, a person who forgot themselves. I have become a person who has gotten hung up on complaints.

Life will never be perfect. No one will ever be perfect. It's very easy to see what was wrong, what annoys you today. Why is it so hard to pay the same homage to what is good, what makes you smile today? I mentioned before how I always saw the positivity in a world full of shit. I'm looking at a a lot of things I've said and posted. I'm thinking about my past few months of living with Tyler. I have more happy moments over the past few months than I had over the past year, and I cannot believe my neglect to make notice of any of it. Just because it's more commonplace, I shouldn't take notice? I'm living with a man I've loved more than anyone. Nearly every single day, he makes me smile multiple times, but all I have focused on is our rocky and undefined past before he moved back.

I do not mean to belittle the hard times. Yes, we have our share. But that shouldn't discredit any of the good times, either.

Social experiments were so much easier when I didn't care. Each and every life experience does chalk itself up to be just that, a social experiment. None of us have all of the answers. There will never be just black and white. All I can do is hope that while living my life, my experiment goes well, and I end up living the life I deserve, instead of one I need to constantly dissect. One that can just be lived. Regardless of my situation, however, I am still eager to learn, and am not ready for something too commonplace. Someday soon, though, even if just for a moment, easy will suffice.